Although Aspergers is at the milder end of the autism spectrum (i.e., high-functioning autism), the challenges parents face when disciplining a teenager with Aspergers are more difficult than they would be with an average teen. Complicated by defiant behavior, the Aspergers teen is at risk for even greater difficulties on multiple levels, unless the parents’ disciplinary techniques are tailored to their child's special needs.
The standard disciplinary techniques that are recommended for “typical” teenagers do not take into account the many issues facing a child with a neurological disorder. Violent rages, self-injury, isolation-seeking tendencies and communication problems that arise due to auditory and sensory issues are just some of the behaviors that parents of teens with Aspergers and HFA will have to learn to control.
Parents need to come up with a consistent disciplinary plan ahead of time, and then present a united front and continually review their strategies for potential changes and improvements as the Aspergers or HFA teen develops and matures.
Aspergers and HFA teens possess a unique set of attitudes and behaviors:
Social Skills— Social conventions are a confusing maze for teens with Aspergers and HFA. They can be disarmingly concise and to the point, and may take jokes and exaggerations literally. Because they struggle to interpret figures of speech and tones of voice that “neuro-typicals” naturally pick up on, they may have difficulty engaging in a two-way conversation. As a result, they may end up fixating on their own interests and ignoring the interests and opinions of others.
Sensory Difficulties— Teens with Aspergers and HFA can be extremely sensitive to loud noise, strong smells and bright lights. This can be a challenge in relationships as Aspergers and HFA teens may be limited in where they can go on, how well they can tolerate the environment, and how receptive they are to instruction from parents and teachers.
Routines and Fixations— Teens with Aspergers and HFA rely on routine to provide a sense of control and predictability in their lives. Another characteristic of the disorder is the development of special interests that are unusual in focus or intensity. These "special needs" teens may become so obsessed with their particular areas of interest that they get upset and angry when something or someone interrupts their schedule or activity.
Interpreting and Responding to Emotion— Teens with Aspergers and HFA often suffer from “mindblindness,” which means they have difficulty understanding the emotions others are trying to convey through facial expressions and body language. The problem isn’t that these teens can’t feel emotion, but that they have trouble expressing their own emotions and understanding the feelings of others. “Mindblindness” often give parents the impression that their Aspergers teen is insensitive, selfish and uncaring.
Awkwardness— Teens with Aspergers and HFA tend to be physically and socially awkward, which makes them a frequent target of school bullies. Low self-esteem caused by being rejected and outcast by peers often makes these teens even more susceptible to “acting-out” behaviors at home and school. Aspergers and HFA teens possess a unique set of attitudes and behaviors:
Social Skills— Social conventions are a confusing maze for teens with Aspergers and HFA. They can be disarmingly concise and to the point, and may take jokes and exaggerations literally. Because they struggle to interpret figures of speech and tones of voice that “neuro-typicals” naturally pick up on, they may have difficulty engaging in a two-way conversation. As a result, they may end up fixating on their own interests and ignoring the interests and opinions of others.
Sensory Difficulties— Teens with Aspergers and HFA can be extremely sensitive to loud noise, strong smells and bright lights. This can be a challenge in relationships as Aspergers and HFA teens may be limited in where they can go on, how well they can tolerate the environment, and how receptive they are to instruction from parents and teachers.
Routines and Fixations— Teens with Aspergers and HFA rely on routine to provide a sense of control and predictability in their lives. Another characteristic of the disorder is the development of special interests that are unusual in focus or intensity. These "special needs" teens may become so obsessed with their particular areas of interest that they get upset and angry when something or someone interrupts their schedule or activity.
Interpreting and Responding to Emotion— Teens with Aspergers and HFA often suffer from “mindblindness,” which means they have difficulty understanding the emotions others are trying to convey through facial expressions and body language. The problem isn’t that these teens can’t feel emotion, but that they have trouble expressing their own emotions and understanding the feelings of others. “Mindblindness” often give parents the impression that their Aspergers teen is insensitive, selfish and uncaring.
Awkwardness— Teens with Aspergers and HFA tend to be physically and socially awkward, which makes them a frequent target of school bullies. Low self-esteem caused by being rejected and outcast by peers often makes these teens even more susceptible to “acting-out” behaviors at home and school.
Due to the Aspergers/HFA-related attitudes and behaviors listed above, many teens may also experience the following associated problems:
Criminal Activity—Pain, loneliness and despair can lead to problems with drugs, sex and alcohol. In their overwhelming need to fit in and make friends, some Aspergers and HFA teens fall into the wrong high school crowds. “Average” teens who abuse substances will use the Aspergers/HFA teen's naivety to get him to buy or carry drugs and liquor for their group. If cornered by a police officer, an Aspergers/HFA teen usually does not have the skill to answer the officer's questions appropriately. For example, if the officer says, "Do you know how fast you were driving?" an Aspergers/HFA teen may reply bluntly, "Yes," and thus appears to be a smart-aleck.
Depression and Acting Out—The teenage years are more emotional for everyone. Yet the hormonal changes of adolescence coupled with the problems outlined above might mean that an Aspergers/HFA teen becomes emotionally overwhelmed. Childish tantrums reappear. Boys often act-out by physically attacking a teacher or peer. They may experience "meltdown" at home after another day filled with harassment, bullying, pressure to conform, and rejection. Suicide and drug addiction become real concerns, as the teen now has access to cars, drugs and alcohol. The “saddest and most difficult time” can overwhelm not only the Aspergers teen, but also his family.
Inability to "Be a Teen"—An Aspergers/HFA teen typically does not care about fads and clothing styles (concerns that obsess all others in their peer group). Aspergers/HFA teens may neglect their hygiene and wear the same haircut for years. Boys forget to shave; girls don't comb their hair or follow fashion. Some Aspergers/HFA teens remain stuck in a grammar school clothes and hobbies such as unicorns and Legos, instead of moving into adolescent concerns like FaceBook and dating. Aspergers and HFA boys often have no motor coordination. This leaves them out of high school sports, typically an essential area of male bonding and friendship.
School Failures—Many Aspergers and HFA teens with their average to above average IQs can sail through grammar school, and yet hit academic problems in middle and high school. They now have to deal with four to six teachers, instead of just one. The likelihood that at least one teacher will be indifferent or even hostile toward making special accommodations is certain. The teenaged Aspergers/HFA student now has to face a series of classroom environments with different classmates, odors, distractions and noise levels, and sets of expectations. Aspergers and HFA teens with their distractibility and difficulty organizing materials face similar academic problems as students with Attention Deficit Disorder. A high school term paper or a science fair project becomes impossible to manage because no one has taught the teen how to break it up into a series of small steps. Even though the academic stress on a "special needs" teen can be overwhelming, school administrators may be reluctant to enroll him in special education at this late point in his educational career.
Sexual Issues—Aspergers and HFA teens are not privy to street knowledge of sex and dating behaviors that other teens pick up naturally. This leaves them naive and clueless about sex. Boys can become obsessed with Internet pornography and masturbation. They can be overly forward with a girl who is merely being kind, and then later face charges of stalking her. An Aspergers/HFA girl may have a fully developed female body and no understanding of flirtation and non-verbal sexual cues, making her susceptible to harassment and even date rape.
Social Isolation—In the teenage world where everyone feels insecure, teens that appear different are voted off the island. Aspergers and HFA teens often have odd mannerisms. One "special needs" teen talks in a loud un-modulated voice, avoids eye contact, interrupts others, violates their physical space, and steers the conversation to her favorite odd topic. Another appears willful, selfish and aloof, mostly because he is unable to share his thoughts and feelings with others. Isolated and alone, many Aspergers and HFA teens are too anxious to initiate social contact. Many Aspergers and HFA teens are stiff and rule-oriented and act like little adults, which is a deadly trait in any teenage popularity contest. Friendship and all its nuances of reciprocity can be exhausting for an Aspergers teen, even though he wants it more than anything else. One teenager ended a close friendship with this note: "Your expectations exhaust me. The phone calls, the talks, all your feelings... it's just too much for me. I can't take it anymore" .....
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